They say silent is the loudest fo screams, I have been
keeping silent for a while now, almost coming to 2 years. Watched the movie
redha yesterday and it realy gotme thinking of my life and what I have done
with it in the last 45 years. Sad ly the answer is nothing. Yes others say I have
made a difreence either good or bad but the truth of the matter is that the
best thing I have done is having raised two beautiful children, Kierra and
Iddraqi.
Iddraqi is autistic and it took me a good while to accept
it, he diagnosed with it after we brought him to KL for test. This was with the
insistence of my uncle and after a long while I did it and he was confirmed an autistic
child. It is hard to put in writing of the feeling I had when I found out of
it. Life is such I guess, lost my dad at 19, my brother at 34 and another at 36
and went through divorce at 40, now finding out about iddraqi at 41. Yes it
takes it toll on me but the journey is not mine for rather its iddraqi that
made me see. Its hard to accept that I will take care of him all my life and
from there on I swore that I would do my best
In the year 2010, we decieced to host the WCA 2011 in
Langkawi and that I was involved until I was outsted and hijacked in 2014. That
is another story of its own so we shall not go there (yet)
Iddraqi started out as heavy symptoms of austism and we were
all worried but I sent him to Nasom Alor setar and thankgod, he started to grow
out of it and improved. I started doing better financially and managed to take
speech therepy for him, it cost a bomb and he had to come down to KL every
weekend to go for it but again, he picked up so fast and showed much
improvments.
The year 2015 came with dark tidings, the company and event I
was handling was robbed and hijacked by my own family and so called “lost boyz”
brothers . The event was done, salary and wages paid for a whole year and bills
paid but they took the balance money and left all the debts behind. It was the
first time my family and I was held as hostage by our investors but through god
grace we survived. Many an nights (until now) I still wake and think of it and
the anger, rage and vengeance would come alive but I held it back. It was not their
fault entirely, I was too trusting and lost in a relationship, it never cross
my mind that they would double cross me, after all that we have done and shared
but humans do have limited memory and selective insomnia, lucky Izzany and Zaki
was not around any more for if not vengeance would be served 10 folds but mom
said let god handle that and I should focus my energies on matters at hand.
Needless to say, due to this tragedy and the effort they put
in black listing me, it was hard for me to find income and after a year of
surviving, I walked myself to more trouble of funding, keeping paying bills
with borrowed money. Mom bailed me out with a loan but still,I wonder of life
and of the word family. As far I remembered that family means family. Never let
go never ignore, although when I was hostaged by my investors , my “family”
still walked away with my money and let me hang, not me actually but my mom,
step dad, Kierra and Iddraqi. Wierdier is the fact of how they and everyone
preches about god, Sunnah, charity and yet they allow things to happen. Its not
the first time it happen to me though, long time ago it happen when my brothers
were with me and same thing happened. They said we could never go back to Langkawi
or travel abroad, “change abang change” the thing that I always wanted to say
is no me change is you change. If you want someone to change then support and
trust and most important guide but nope it is easier to listen to words of
someone that can rovide or give you material gains then face the truth and
listen to both sides. I aint no prophet or even close but I know my values and I
know right and wrong. Many have crossed and fell to the dark side where no family
would accept but to my doors and home they would come and once they have
redeemed than they would return. Not me, for afterall I have seen it is not the
money but rather the support, yeah if u ask someone for help it is usually
money but when you help and support in other ways, keeping them out of trouble,
opening doors or mort importantly coming out with ideas and plans with contacts
to realize a goal, that is priceless. That is why having money without ideas does
not guarantee wealth but with ideas wealth is assured, look at bill gates or
face book or the late steven jobs, they were not born with money, they
partnered with those who had money and together they reach success. I have benn
unfortunate that those I partnered with are only limited to their own egos. Again,
I aint a prophet but merely a human, I know my weakness and short comings but
who would ever thought of hosting a 2000 people event that needs bunkers, astro
turf in a hall? The fact that we ended up with assets worth over rm300k and the
main share holder simply gave it away and he claims it was me that lost the
money, maybe some people don’t understand word partnership. Glamor they want,
work don’t want, I guess it is humorous and will keep me laughing about it in
the future, after 1 year the whole event failed and the partnership of which I was
ousted broke up, in the future we will see how this will develop.
Argh him regressing here, its about iddraqi, well, needless
to say after the tragedy of 2015, 2015 and 2016 was a building time, finance
was really tight and sacrifices had to be made but the hardest to suffer was
Kierra and Iddraqi, especially Iddraqi, no more speech therpy no more treats
and classes but normal nasom. Even now,I am hard at work to regenerate what I lost
and I truly hope that god will re open my rezeki.
The movie deals with issues that I had wanted to hide as I did
not want anyone to see. Even Zaki and izzany passing I haven’t truly faced it, I
am merely pretending that they are around and force them out of mind the fact
that they are gone. Iddraqi is still no talking but his gestures and actions
tells me what he wants and he understand our words to him. I swore that I insaf
of the last actions when I was too trusting and stupid about women, no one
deserves my love no I have any to give because I now know that my love, heart
and soul belongs to my children and in them I find true happiness. So let those
that are wrong stay as they are and we will be at judgement day, I am what they
say about me and let them say what they want, im done justifying my actions and
being “abang” and being understanding. My kids come first and last nothing in
between and god have mercy on those that cross my path again. *
