Back home in Alor Setar, Glad to be back. Work is hectic but getting there, apart from some walls here and there. Trying to figure things out but as usual the stuff> we met up with Tun Mahatir to brief him and got his support for WCA which made things slightly easier but losing one of the "Dewa" is really effecting the movement but as usual we prevail.
Actually, i was reading a blog of someone and what she wrote kinda spured me to write, although i wont comment on hers but her writing kinda got me thinking. It seems, we are talking about "Jodoh" and fate, it is true that this are all arranged by God but yet, i sometimes wonder as in the old days, like my grandmother and grandfather had arranged marraige but they lasted till the end of thier lives so begins the question, is its "Jodoh" than we are they so many divorce cases, so many side affairs and what not? the reason i think is that in everything else in life, in what ever god gives us mortals, we are meant to fight for it, always striving to be a better human. As we are born in this world, we are born screaming because we need to open our lungs to take in the air to breathe, so from the moment we enter the world, are made to fight and we must always fight for we want, what we need and what we believe. i wrote once about the stages of love and i firmly stand by it. Just because u love someone dont mean its Jodoh, but rather its our effor that seals the relationship for as stated, God help those who help themselves. Reading the blog, i am glad that she has found someone and she is making effort to rebuild the bridge with the "right person" and though being labeled as the "Wrong person", i take comfort due to the fact that, in what ever small way or any small part i did make an impact or a minor change that made her find the "right person" i guess that is why i consider me as the candle mode. Burning for others.
After my 39th bday, i consider that and accepted the fact my life is destined to be without love of another woman(or man hahahaha) but rather to take on the love of my children as it is to them that i dedicate my self too. Although to be really honest that i had prayed and tried to fill the lonely space in my soul and opened up my heart but seems i get burned most times and after this last time, i think enough is just enough, i wont lie, of course there are other love that has come my way, put there by God with his blessings to open possibilities but in all fairness, as i may be close to them and care for them, an ear and shoulder to them, i am closed up inside as the pain still burns within me, it would take an effort to open my heart and sometimes i pray that they can do it and make me feel loved and cared again but more often than not, i just let it slide and just burn for them as a candle burn.
In my past mariage and past relationship, and in fact in all my life, i was the path finder, the candle and the psimaster, always cheering on, always giving hope to others, always trying to convince them to never give up, never lose each other and always finding the reasons to make them see that the love is worth the effort but now after the last blow up and the wall of silence that greeted me, i can say that i am tired and broken, i have lost the hope and effort, and though in my life now there is a dynamic woman that i can see the potential or future but i find it hard to open up, hard to take the next step, rather i stay a step back and holding on, which will probally lead to her finding someone else and me alone but after giving it all i had in the past, i have nothing anymore to hope for fear grips me and i am too scared to take the step so i stay safe. For once, let the other party make the move, let them show how we are worth it or that i am a treasure, for once .. just once.
Words are merely words and for the blogger that i read, her words are hopefully followed with action and i pray the lucky guy apprieciates her, her change, her softness and i truly pray that they will work things out and lst till the end of time. For yours truly, i pray that God open up my heart and someone would truly take a chance on me as i would take a chance on them. Silly hopes or dreams but one have to dream to make it into a reality as we Lost Boyz always says " Any Dream Worth having is A Dream Worth Fighting For"
Is tonight's blog dont make sense or sounds like a whine, then i humbly apologize, no wisdom words tonight, just me in a bit of self pity mode, HEY! give me break, i am human also ok. till then, keep fasting, keep fighting and always try to be perfect, even if we know we can never be.
Peace
P/S: This pharse of a lyric been playing in my head for 5 days, although i told someone that i would nver listen to this singer but heck, just goes to prove, never say never.. kan kan kan so enjoy.
"
Ku takkan bisa menjadi
Lebih dari apa yang sedaya
Namun ku tetap berjanji
Akan masih mencoba
Untuk memujuk hatimu
Mencintai aku kerna semua yang ada
Hanyalah untukmu
Maafkan aku
Sekiranya tak termampu
Untuk mencurahkan semua
Isi hatiku"
-Hazama "Cinta Teragung"
