Its 1230am and adik's crying again, as i try to put him to bed, my mind drifts, to a time and place that was magical at one time,
how come i cant let it go, even through all the things that has been done to me and loved ones, the shortcomings and pain, i still cant let it go?
Would it take another to make me let it go? another breath life in this cold and lonely soul? so that it may once again rejoice and stop dreaming of something that will never come again? i wonder? and i ponder... why does the taste, sight and beauty of the love still haunts me, even after almost 7 years still the excitement and expectation spurs me, was it because of the closeness we once shared? those nights when we held each other when the chips are down and figuring out tomorrow? was it the love and tenderness in those eyes that sparked my will to fight and preserver the hardest of life hardship? was it the moans, crys and extacy that keep me loyal and true of heart?
Where has it gone? what has happen? going through Syawal without it, makes me feel the loneliness more, has someone better come along? someone that understands, satisfy and excite more than me? Maybe that is why i have to let go, and suffer, have this 2 precious jewels of life to spur me on, now although i may lose them as well,
God, i have been praying hard,since my sinnful acts, repent and ask for forgivness, why wont angels help me? bring back the one i so love and adore, the one that shared my ups and downs, banish the wicked and demonic one and replace with the one my soul is attached to..why god? is it that i am meant to let it go? to keep the magic of 7 years as memory? or is it someone will come to fill my soul in the future? How come i do not have the love and attention as others? what is it that they have that i dont, for one thing for sure, no one knows better than me, it was I who brought light to the darkest of our days, defended and fought for all. Was it all for naught? was it all wasted? for the jewels of my soul that fills my heart, it is not, only the return of my soulmate would ease this ache, oh why do i desire her so? to prove that i am above all the rest in her desire? to taste her satisfaction as no one else can give but me? why oh why? help me find my way..please dear god.
i know that i have to let it go, let her go as others who are better in her eyes are awaiting then why do i seek her attention so? her wants so badly? her love madly? if letting go is what i must do, then TRULY with all my love i would give in to her request of letting her go....
Glimpse of a happy memory: http://sherezal.blogspot.com/2009/05/tin-life.html
