The End is near

Im back yup yup after along while ...its back on the blog. With instagram and facebook and in between tweets, i am not too sure if any one reads blog anymore, nevertheless, i do write when i can and what i feel.

As the day grows closer to 2013, many doomsday predictions comes and some fools actually believe it, maybe the movie 2012 kinda instill the hype of it. I am glad that we are all reading it which means the world didnt end. As for me, life goes on, still many hurdles to face as we face a new year and the targets that i have set for the new year is an ambitious one.

For one thing, i can truly say that i firmly believe that fate is what we make of it, Yes, god controls fate and we are at his mercy but yet, what ever tools he gave us are the tools that we shape our own fate, love, work and life is based on what we make of it. Money is what makes the world goes round and we surely do our very best to ensure that we have it, but yet in this humble and chaotic times, it seems that most of the people are motivated purely by money. Gone are the days of chivalry and charm but replaced with a world that is dominated by money. A mother would rather go to work outstation and leave her 2 year old daughter to the grandmother on reasons of finding money for the future but rather forgets that a child needs its parents. A upcoming star would rather lean on people for bills and needs and wants but would not commit. What has this world come to? maybe at times, we need to clean ourslevels, take the blame ourselves, for the mistakes that we make, its easy to blame god but rather we never see that we could have done it better and behaved wiser. Truly, it is hard to see our own mistakes and as such, i write to remind myself most importantly as i embark on this journey of change. Within the journey, there are many of things that i have to do that will hurt others and many of things that i do will hurt myself but... no pain no gain and at times, we have to be cruel to be kind. That is the world, yeah crying helps but as my dad usually says, it is far easier to fall of the horse, the hard part is getting up and continue riding. When we fall, why do we blame god? we say that it is his fault..so we fault Him and find a new horse but how come we do not see that it is actually our fault that we do not hold it reins tight enough, hold it hard enough and most importantly accept the horse for what it is? we expect the horse to accept us for our faults and shortcomings but yet we do not do the same and when things go sour, the horse throws tantrum, we blame God? amazing is it not?

As the year sets to the end and a new year dawns ahead, we are on the verge of growing and as such, we will do our new resolutions which we will forget come June but to quieten the ego and make ourselves feel better. As part of change, whenever i do sit down and write, i am gonna do a short review of movies or books that i have read especially Malay movies as i would like it to grow, not that i am an experienced critic but heck, everyone has an opinion.

The two movies that i would want to comment would be:

Legenda Budak Setan 2

A sequel to the first movie, which is based on the book, to me the movie failed miserably. With such a strong line of actors and actress, the movie somehow failed to developed into any thing much. More like a normal movie clinche of which we can predict what comes way before it happens, unlike the first movie that had such strong plots and surpirses, the sequel failed to deliver anything new. All that happen has been done before and we can see it coming a mile away. FOr Maya Karin and Farid Kamil, as strong actors and actress, they managed to only look clumsy and fake at times, with Farid becoming so quiet that he is almost non-extant.

Pontianak Vs Orang Minyak

This was a truly stupid movie, if Afdlin has so much money, maybe he should just focus on some strong movie, it is times like this we miss the late Yasmin for her movies comes with strong messages. I cant bear to write as to me it is such a waste to do this movie, no plot, no message and times no direction. Even the sceanrio franchise had better plot.





The Hobbit

True to Tollken fans, the movie delivers and answers all the old questions. Bilbo is a truly an amazing character as the unsung and unwiling hero. A must see i would say.









Some of the movies that i would suggest in case you missed it are:

• Chow Kit- A truly good movie of the real life in KL and address many unspoken issues
• Hantu Gangster- Farid shined through this one, as the movie takes a swipe at all things "Malaysian"a must see for all. 
• Pitch Perfect- A sleeper hit that is an inspiring movie. 

Lost Boyz finished 6th in WCA Division 1.

AKR KL is born

My Daughter on Kidzania TV

JAwatankuasa WCA 2012

On TV...

PC with Media

Yup..Shoot the world.

As usual, i levae behind some pics that is close to me.

Whispers in the night

As its late, thoughts of you haunt my mind,

The sight of your smile craves in my mind,

The smell of your hair lingers in my mind,

And the touch of your skin as it touches mine.

I wonder of the reason you came to me,

Was it God that send this angel to be with me ,

Will the angel stay and stand by me,

Or shall it fly and i wake from a dream.

What does go thru your mind i wonder,

What more can i do is what i ponder,

To ease the hurt that makes your heart wander,

Give me hints so that i am better

As i lay myself to sleep,

It is the dream of us that i keep,

A dream of the future is so deep,

As it is you that i really need.

Find your way to me if you think you can,

More than words if you can bend,

danger of losing me is really at hand,

Although i know with you i'm a better man.

12 months already

Goo d god gracious its been so long since i updated my blog, Well with twitter and FB of course not forgetting the hot app now which is instagram, people hardly read blogs anymore right? i write because it makes me feel good and soothes my soul.

Yup yup, it was my birthday a couple of days ago, you know what they say when your below 21, every birthday is a big event, after 30 then you just dont want people to remember it hahahahahah

The past months have been filled with a lot of hard work, seems WCA this year will be sweeter, why because its the hardest, losing some muscle from back home and as we try to put this event to be fully stand alone, is proving hard but where there is a will then there is a way. In all things in life we must beleive, faith in god and ourselves, even at the bleakest moment, a ray of sunshine may yet burst in and brighten up our day.People will do anything and fight anyone for what they want and for what they beleive in, i strongly believe in this principal that if we want to do something then do it all the way, give it all our effort and let us bleed, then only we would be able to measure and enjoy the sweetness of our labor. As WCA rolls forward, we are at our best to show once more why it is the best event of the year. May God guide us and bless us.

Our last MPOC was also this month and we manage to secure 2nd place, clearly our best placement this year. I think i am really out of shape and need training but with work and family, it is just too hard to balance.   i pray for a better outing come WCA as i lead the 1Malaysia All Stars and LBZ ... times i just feel old hahahaha

Birthday started with a small yet meaningful celebration, it was much of a surprise to me that so many remembered and yet the celebration and the gidt was more then enough to warm my heart. This celebration with her was unexpected, never i thought i would be able to walk this path again and yet, even as we are on the path, seems to reach the final journey a few more sacrifices need to be made, it all, it was warm, touching and happy.

The second was with my brothers and family, some drove so far just to come and celebrate it. it was touching to see the old crew with the reminiscent of the old days. through it all i miss my brothers, the effort to hide it from the world is getting harder now days, the pain and suffering is shown in my eyes when i least expect and times my force gets weak. in truth, i am getting weary i think. Things or materials no matter how important they are just at times are not so important anymore, we strive and search for not only someone to share it with but someone to be by our side as we work towards it. "Money do not grow on trees" as my mom would always remind me, the world it seems to build around it, especially in the city, so much so that you cant tell if they are there for you or for what you can provide for them, in the old school ways, its a give and take, a man provides as it is his responsibility to do so and a woman provides comfort, care and love to ensure that a man is rested and able to fight yet again the next day.

As i draw another breath on this beautiful earth, i am glad that for those that has passed through my life and made it a joy to look foward towards another day.

PEACE

Shawal of 2012

It has been a long while since i wrote, well with instagram and tweeter, seems blogs have lost their touch. Still for me the writing is something that soothe my soul and keeps the demons at bay.

Raya comes yet once again and for millions of muslims around the world, the joy of celebrating ramadan becomes a big occasion. No matter what creed or what happens, no one does not celebrate it. The most trying times are for those that have lost their love ones, for you can see the mosques is filled with people visiting the graves of the departed. How will it be 20 years from now? would they still be visiting? I worry about that, as more and more families become westernize, the need to visit graves have given way to looking good and going around visiting houses. So much so that some have even forgotten where the graves are and yet they forget that one day soon, they too will be resting in the graves and as such how would they feel when no one visits or takes care of them? i usually get a bit of emotional because as i am on borrowed time, it dawns on me always to value those that are still around.

For me, the joy of raya is with my kids and family, my mom and my step dad, for the 3rd year the kids are with me (Thanks Nissa) and without them i would think that this day would lose all of its value and charm. As a man of tradition and of adat, these are very important to me. This year after over 8 years, the routine of the Lost Boyz meeting up on raya eve was joined, the last time i was there was when arwah zaki was yet still alive and izzany as well. Catching up with the boys showed me how life has changed for all of us, many married and with kids (Apat...cepat la) and yet the bond and closeness is always there, anchored by the past of hardship and turmoil that we all had shared and endured together.

As yet, i am still single and raya preparations for me and kids are done by me and mom, will this ever change? i dont really know, with my heart closed and a feeling of coldness that decends on me, i doubt any woman would be able to penetrate it much more to steal it. Hope? well if God has a plan for me than i shall accept what ever that comes, for now the kids are my most important of all and such they are the ones that occupy my efforts. After all, when im dead and buried, it is them that i hope to come and visit me on raya day. Take care and selamat hari raya to all.
PEACE

The family...

This is the most memorable moment

SEVEN

ITs late and finally my daughter is asleep. Today she turned 7 years old (16th June) Seems only like yesterday that she was born into this world. How times flies. As i sit and ponder about sleep, my mind drifts on the next 7 years, when she is a teenager and when the world as we know today has but changed... yet again.

How will the world be for her? being a single father, i am struck by the fake, pretense and selfish of the woman of today, or maybe its just the company that i keep yet i pray she will never grow up to be even a shadow of them. Since the dawn of the 2009, on my re-birth to this world, i admit that i may have dreamed, hope and prayed for the search of that special person. Many entered this life and few came close but in the end, this past 2 weeks, as my times are darken by dark clouds, i tend to see things from a different shade of light.

When beauty is measured by the size of one's bra, the curves of one's hips or even the  fairness of one's skin. The women of today is more measured in terms of money and beauty rather than honesty and loyalty, the old days are long forgotten, nowadays, women can fight, kick or slap you or even plan to ruin your life. They are no longer demure, tender or soft. These days, its all about money, who can pay their bills, buy them stuff, take them shopping, splurge obscene amount of money for birthdays, vacations, and other stuff, Now don't get me wrong, this existed from the start of time, as Men are to be provider BUT somehow the world of today has forgotten that Women are the queen and comforter of your soul. My dad use to say, let the be chaos elsewhere but let there be serenity at home. Woman fail to understand the notion of behind a successful man is always a strong woman. Man needs motivation and encouragement, work harder to make sure that they can afford the luxury to their women but at times, its the woman of today that tend to take things for granted, rather we have those that use man, ask for money, rent and bills or what not but scared to commit and wiling to run, yet some are even worse as they have not one nor two but many man being string along to comfort their lives. In this day and age, with technology and advancement, we forget of the simple things, the things that binds human to each other from the dawn of time. CARE. care comes at no price but the value cannot be measured by money, a person that is wiling to go extra mile and push the limits on the request or the need of others,Care is when you ask about the wellbieng of another WITHOUT any thought of advantage, Care is when you do things without thinking the cost to you, Care is to treat the person that has done much as a human being rather than a tool,  some say the candle mode while some say its a gentleman but yet in truth, for old school people (like yours truly) these new phase or virtue is hard for me to understand. Rather this day and age, candles are forgotten but rather, Man are chewed like bubble-gum, after your done with the flavor you spit it out.

I pray that my daughter will grow up without this sense of or traits of the new age, let her be kind and gentle, not obsed with wealth and beauty, for some are so concerned about being the most beautiful that they forget for whom their beauty is dedicated to. Some are so struck by beauty and ego(it is a package thing) that they feel ashamed to be seen or let others know the ties that you have with them, rather better to ask and implore their wants and needs in shadows but show off in the light. Some are lost in their misguided attempt to find happiness that it kills them silently but yet living in a delusional world that they are happy, Some are miserable in their life, being slapped and kicked around but yet gets up everyday thinking that today it will be different. Some are focused on the failure of GOD that does not grant them their JODOH but yet many a times GOD has given a sign but in the swell of ego and pride, chooses to ignore it. Throwing away their need for something they want, no matter if what they want is harmful to them, only to realized in years to come that they have wasted their life and yet sit to comfort themselves by blaming GOD for not showing them a sign. GOD is always there for u but as family members are taken away, bad luck or temptations come,they are but merely signs from him to test our resolve. For GOD only help those that help them selves, if its meant to be then it will be, a funny notion full of irony, for even the most talented sports person or star, if they did not try, or endure the test of GOD would never be the person that they are. Don't believe me? ask any successful person  in this world, there is sure a truck load of sob stories or painful hardship that they had to endure to arrive or be what they are. Still yet, we forget and we comfort ourselves to blame GOD. I have met many of them in this last few years and still they wound me, for as much hope and faith i have had for them, they never did have any hope or faith in themselves, rather they take things for granted and abuse what you give them. Sad, but that is how the world is now. Even brothers and friends, even at times in the past when you have proven over and over of your ability to produce success but at times of hiccups and problems, they turn against you, take and never give, convinced and comforted by their own logic and reasoning while their brothers and friends drown as they watch from the comfort of their ship. I have never felt so disgusted and tired of this fake world, of friendship that are one sided, bolstered by ego and fueled by pride. Have we lost our senses? for what ever happen to budi? When we help without taking or thinking of a return? of a time when we accept people for what they are and standby them for who they can be, but now it is more of what can they give me and how soon can i get it. We tend to forget, just because we have tits and ass, dangle some flirt along the way, makes us feel the right to demand and ask for money and favors, we have become a fake society, a society that is based on values that can bought and sold, i worry about the future, not for me as i have passed my time and stopped my search but for my children. i fear for them.

As night grows dark and the roar of crowds for the Euro 2012 beacons, i take my leave and pray that by daylight comes, i will have a bit of faith restored in these tired bones of mine, as i look into the eyes of my children, my daughter and son, their smiles and joy but hidden pain in there as they know that i am but a single father, and no future mother is in sight, it cracks my soul and even those closest to me simply rather ignore the fact less we drown ourselves in other matters, i weep for the lost , i weep for my children, who do their best to hide heir hurt from me, of how they need the touch of a woman in their life, the soft and yet motherly feel of which no amount of money can ever buy, and that folks is TRUE BEAUTY.
Peace.


P/S: Tonight i present to you Sharifah Zakierra Shahabudin BT Syed Sherezal Shahabduin.

The real reason for my WCA

going to school..the night before

reunited

Worried at her brother's screening

Toddler Uniform

5 Years and growing

When adik could still pass a few words

With her cousin afik.

Genting Trip

Shoe day(women and shoes hahaha)

Trying out the tudung

The hair...walid the hair

Kenduri 

Makan durian yummy

Happiness... to her it was almost a dream come true

From school

The yesteryears

Who can resist?

The hiphop

Sunway Pyramid

Cheeky

Best student

How many hearts will break

LBS biggest supporter

Iphone

Her own photo trick

Best buddies

Bday girl and her brother

Opening presents

Walid's fav girl

Remember

OMG.... one whole month of note writing.. hahahaha... anway just a quick note to those that are concerned (as if..) its been a hectic month, with 1NPS finishing and WCA around the corner. A sad outing at MPOC, where we were merely 8 seconds too late... sigh....

I write to day to remember of my dad's birthday (it was yesterday but i took kierra out to a funfair and got dizzy on the rides so couldnt write. hahahah ) i want to remember today:

• A day when a new venture will be formed in KL
• Of how a corporate semi government owned body is screwing around with us, merely over 108k issue of which the ex boss made the blunder but we are now made to pay for it. Ignoring the fact that we brought in RM10 million to them... sigh.. 
• Of how, people tend to forget when we are down and having hiccups by being calculative and demanding (wait till we get stable then as they say.. it is a dish best served cold)
• Of my process to dedicate my life to my son and daughter, trying to hide the loneliness and misery. 
• Of my process of cutting out the things in my life that hurts and harms me more than it ever does good. 
• Of my search for that special someone to return to at night and raise the kids with me, facing the troubles and celebrating the success by my side.
• Of being valued and appreciated rather than being remembered when needed and discarded when not needed. 

I have as usual more to write but i am cahsing time, decided not to go to KL this week and rather spend my time with my kids. Even at this age, i do miss my dad, i envy those who still have theirs and annoyed at those who abuse theirs, in times of trouble, it is the father that will come and bail us out. either by obtaining loans or opening doors, my dad was like that, in his life, many people he helped and now i am alone without him and my two brothers, how i wish they are around. finding the strengths to go on is getting harder, telling everyone that it will work out and finding solutions for others is getting tiring, while ignoring the pain and gap in my heart and life. I do get lonely, and without a motivation to push forward. Those that have once won my soul and capture my heart is more harm than good, they too have gone and walked away. No one is daring enough to bite and fight. well i am still here, fighting and biting and till my dying breath i will.

I just want to remember today.

Peace.

End of Days

Honestly im  too tired to write but this words coming in my head that this little gaming keyboard of mine really cant take load.

Today has been a sort of revelations, Something found and lost, something lost but found and something there but forgotten. As most of us tackle the hard parts of the day, from deciding what to do about a relationship, lost in the workload and other mundane problems but yet i sat through the NASOM meeting today, for those who don't know it stands for NASOM - The National Autism Society of Malaysia. The reason im there is because Iddraqi is diagnose of Autism, What is it..ok in a nutshell (copy paste in progress)


"Autism is known as a complex developmental disability. Experts believe that Autism presents itself during the first three years of a person's life. The condition is the result of a neurological disorder that has an effect on normal brain function, affecting development of the person's communication and social interaction skills.

People with autism have issues with non-verbal communication, a wide range of social interactions, and activities that include an element of play and/or banter." 

So there i was listening to these other parent talking about thier kids and how i have felt small by doing so little for my son. Yes, in terms of parenthood and family, i am there for him and now he is able to show he misses me too, small things like work wise for the good of the society, afterall, i am in doing events and as such have come up with events and fund raising but yet i have done so little. Caught up in the dance of the world i guess, Feeling left out and wanting to belong somewhere that times i see nothing else. Yet, a reminder of the past that reminded me of the things lost and after the meeting i realize that losing something that i had found may be in some ways trivial to the needs of many. i have fought many battles and moved mountains for not only worked by the partners of my life, if merely to show them how i feel and many a times that i have sacrificed for them, the meeting made me realize that if they leave and claim whatever they claim, in time God shows his hand and for somethings has to happen, i told once that i am able to live like this, even the loneliness is company but i have once found something but i didnt fight for it hard enough and now i fight too hard, let it be, for in the end i know what i am capable of and what i can achieve, some forgive but yet never forget and thus was kind enough to have faith while others know was true in thier heart but have not faith to believe in it. 

When i started AKR with my brother, many a times, i was asked " how do i know this event is gonna make it, how do i know the sponsors will pay, how do i know if we can survive tomorrow and many other things . Well the answer is simple, BECAUSE i believe that it will happen, nothing can be done if you cant visualize it happening, and most times, well all the times, its me saying that, i wish someone would say it once in a while but today someone did, and although its not what you think but it is a first step. Everyone needs someone and someone also need everyone but yet we fail to see it. Amazing. 

For me, i vow to now be weary and careful, to focus on the good i can do to many rather than one. My son's school need me and i pray that god will guide me with his wisdom and blessing to ensure the safe ride. For those that will eventually win my heart, know now that it is always a package and you will always come next after Kierra and Iddraqi, and thier needs, notpersonal ones but like Iddraqi NASOM,if the energy and focus i put in there, i am very sure to get there, and i pray that God grants me my wish- which is to have a woman win my heart and crazy enough to join me on this journey, for it will be her i derive my energy, someone that supports and holds you up rather than pull you down. Not to say some have not, they have but yet in human weakness (me) and times scared and unsure, they stray away from me so i pray that one will return, until that day arises, i guess i will just gone dreaming of yesterdays, facing today and embracing tomorrow.

PEACE

P/S: Tonight i present to you: Syed Nong Iddraqi Shahabudin Bin Syed Sherezal