Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Redha



They say silent is the loudest fo screams, I have been keeping silent for a while now, almost coming to 2 years. Watched the movie redha yesterday and it realy gotme thinking of my life and what I have done with it in the last 45 years. Sad ly the answer is nothing. Yes others say I have made a difreence either good or bad but the truth of the matter is that the best thing I have done is having raised two beautiful children, Kierra and Iddraqi.
Iddraqi is autistic and it took me a good while to accept it, he diagnosed with it after we brought him to KL for test. This was with the insistence of my uncle and after a long while I did it and he was confirmed an autistic child. It is hard to put in writing of the feeling I had when I found out of it. Life is such I guess, lost my dad at 19, my brother at 34 and another at 36 and went through divorce at 40, now finding out about iddraqi at 41. Yes it takes it toll on me but the journey is not mine for rather its iddraqi that made me see. Its hard to accept that I will take care of him all my life and from there on I swore that I would do my best
In the year 2010, we decieced to host the WCA 2011 in Langkawi and that I was involved until I was outsted and hijacked in 2014. That is another story of its own so we shall not go there (yet)
Iddraqi started out as heavy symptoms of austism and we were all worried but I sent him to Nasom Alor setar and thankgod, he started to grow out of it and improved. I started doing better financially and managed to take speech therepy for him, it cost a bomb and he had to come down to KL every weekend to go for it but again, he picked up so fast and showed much improvments.
The year 2015 came with dark tidings, the company and event I was handling was robbed and hijacked by my own family and so called “lost boyz” brothers . The event was done, salary and wages paid for a whole year and bills paid but they took the balance money and left all the debts behind. It was the first time my family and I was held as hostage by our investors but through god grace we survived. Many an nights (until now) I still wake and think of it and the anger, rage and vengeance would come alive but I held it back. It was not their fault entirely, I was too trusting and lost in a relationship, it never cross my mind that they would double cross me, after all that we have done and shared but humans do have limited memory and selective insomnia, lucky Izzany and Zaki was not around any more for if not vengeance would be served 10 folds but mom said let god handle that and I should focus my energies on matters at hand.
Needless to say, due to this tragedy and the effort they put in black listing me, it was hard for me to find income and after a year of surviving, I walked myself to more trouble of funding, keeping paying bills with borrowed money. Mom bailed me out with a loan but still,I wonder of life and of the word family. As far I remembered that family means family. Never let go never ignore, although when I was hostaged by my investors , my “family” still walked away with my money and let me hang, not me actually but my mom, step dad, Kierra and Iddraqi. Wierdier is the fact of how they and everyone preches about god, Sunnah, charity and yet they allow things to happen. Its not the first time it happen to me though, long time ago it happen when my brothers were with me and same thing happened. They said we could never go back to Langkawi or travel abroad, “change abang change” the thing that I always wanted to say is no me change is you change. If you want someone to change then support and trust and most important guide but nope it is easier to listen to words of someone that can rovide or give you material gains then face the truth and listen to both sides. I aint no prophet or even close but I know my values and I know right and wrong. Many have crossed and fell to the dark side where no family would accept but to my doors and home they would come and once they have redeemed than they would return. Not me, for afterall I have seen it is not the money but rather the support, yeah if u ask someone for help it is usually money but when you help and support in other ways, keeping them out of trouble, opening doors or mort importantly coming out with ideas and plans with contacts to realize a goal, that is priceless. That is why having money without ideas does not guarantee wealth but with ideas wealth is assured, look at bill gates or face book or the late steven jobs, they were not born with money, they partnered with those who had money and together they reach success. I have benn unfortunate that those I partnered with are only limited to their own egos. Again, I aint a prophet but merely a human, I know my weakness and short comings but who would ever thought of hosting a 2000 people event that needs bunkers, astro turf in a hall? The fact that we ended up with assets worth over rm300k and the main share holder simply gave it away and he claims it was me that lost the money, maybe some people don’t understand word partnership. Glamor they want, work don’t want, I guess it is humorous and will keep me laughing about it in the future, after 1 year the whole event failed and the partnership of which I was ousted broke up, in the future we will see how this will develop.
Argh him regressing here, its about iddraqi, well, needless to say after the tragedy of 2015, 2015 and 2016 was a building time, finance was really tight and sacrifices had to be made but the hardest to suffer was Kierra and Iddraqi, especially Iddraqi, no more speech therpy no more treats and classes but normal nasom. Even now,I am hard at work to regenerate what I lost and I truly hope that god will re open my rezeki.

The movie deals with issues that I had wanted to hide as I did not want anyone to see. Even Zaki and izzany passing I haven’t truly faced it, I am merely pretending that they are around and force them out of mind the fact that they are gone. Iddraqi is still no talking but his gestures and actions tells me what he wants and he understand our words to him. I swore that I insaf of the last actions when I was too trusting and stupid about women, no one deserves my love no I have any to give because I now know that my love, heart and soul belongs to my children and in them I find true happiness. So let those that are wrong stay as they are and we will be at judgement day, I am what they say about me and let them say what they want, im done justifying my actions and being “abang” and being understanding. My kids come first and last nothing in between and god have mercy on those that cross my path again. *

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Parting Notes

*20/09/2015* For that someone neither there or here.. 


.seems i cant get thru to u (again) and asking me to go s___e is pointless because if i didn't go there when u not work there more so i wont go when ur working there because i do t feel like fool alone when ur working with other man. The fact that ur hiding and wont even call or see me proves that u r denying ur feelings on pretext that makes u strong. When u can let others buy u but wont let me buy u out for dinner... this like my last grasp to tell u...

I know i can accept ur work as long i can block the demons out of my mind. Just a call daily from u..texting each other and text and call when ur home is all i need. We have done this before so we should be ok.
My plan? Well financial side im getting there alrdy and getting bigger. The plan was when or if u come back work kl then we rent an apartment ..u can stay with ur friends and i can be there also. Then once my restaurant and resort opens u can slowly start something on ur own and get out of thr night life. Not like the bang sean,that one my fault that i didnt push for it. U knoe when we put money there,my plan was after wca to stay there with u and rotate my timing for my kids. Get a husky dog..but well that didnt work out..so onwards to my next project.

There are times now that I ask myself why am i still a fool for u. Chasing u everyday and hoping when u dont even care for me at all, yes bfr u come there was the darling puppi and even saying im back eith u but aft that buyout..u have gone cold. What u hiding in ur social media also i dont knoe,if nothing then why block and hide?
Anyway back to the question, i dont give up on u because  i miss ur company

.chatting talking and enjoying esch other..playing pool watching video or just sit and talk. I miss you. Hearing ur stories and telling u mine. That i guess hardest to replace. In ur line of work surely there are many man that are better richer younger than me but i sincerely believe that none will love for u sacrifice for u and give u happiness and pleasure as i do because its the same with me..no one can be the next you as there is only one you.
How u respond to this note is unknown,are u gonna be human and admit or be cold and ignore but time and god is always there and over time should i still feel the same then in forver time i shall be waiting for u..or possibly we lose each other like ur ex bf and such. Weird is that no one in my past compares to how i feel for u and its such a waste to lose us. There are a million ways to work things out as long compramise are there. Well. Just wanted to say that i miss you.

*Unfortunately after i was hospitalized for 3 months, a week ago i found out that she is pregent and the guy dumped her so she is now a single mom. So much for the beautiful words "your the only one" "there can never be another" bla bla but we human are such, why am i in so much pain? not only her but family cousins uncles friends all do the same, betray lie and some robbed in broad daylight. Perhaps i too should do what they say i did and return the favor in vigor but as my beloved mom always tell me, u dont need to be dirt to get rid of it just sweep them away. Only she bothers me as there far too many sacrifices i made for her.. well i learn.. and learn why did i even opened up was and will be mystery. i have maybe and surely wronged others so i guess i should not be complaining but heck thats wat we humans do best.. WHINE hahhahahahah

Well..its been a while since i wrote and i guess i will start writing again soon.... 
till then
Peace.  


Once ....




My life and soul.truly

the last picture i have








Saturday, November 21, 2015

Flying Swan

The Flying Swan

“He sits and watches the sky, wondering if she will ever fly back or perhaps fly by. In the not too distant past, he recalls when he first found her, the swan of his life.
It was in the month of October that he found her, she had quarrelled with her mate and had problems in her nest, he had found her and took her in his life, offering her shelter and comfort, trying as hard as his can to cure her pain and bring joy to his swan. She could not fly too high back then and even if she did, to other areas she would leave and fly out but still as always she would fly back to him and he would be faithfully waiting for her return.
At a time when he had moved on and gave up on most of the world, he found her and she taught him of many things, as time passed, they grew closer and more intimate though he knew it was an impossible match, she being a flying swan while he is but a mere mortal. Theirs was a tough journey. Yet, through it all, she taught him patience, compassion and understanding and within her he found the sounds of the world going silent and for a rare moment he found the quietness of peace. Although her flight was far often as she got better and further and further she would fly away from him, yet she always found her way to him and never failed to make him feel wanted, missed and loved. For theirs was a match that was blessed by the stars and guided by the heavens.
In one of her flights, something terrible happen as she lost one of her closest flock and she came down to earth. He had tried to consul her but looking at her flight, he wrongly decided to let her fly away, he did the unthinkable and he walked away. She moved on and tried to find a match within her realm while he tried to hide the pain by trying to cover up with other matters but yet one cannot run away from destiny and fate, their path crossed yet once again.
He came looking for her and did so to win her heart and for months he had tried and tried, for a while she seemed to opened up and looked like there was hope for them. Although he wanted more, he wanted what was lost or something far better for both of them. But her new found flight path drew her further and further away from him
He looked at his loved swan as she slept, tired of a hard day of flying, he puts away his needs and wants, how he wants to be in her arms, how he wants her comfort, how he wants to see that glow of love in her eyes , how he misses their long chats and jokes and tease, he puts it all away in dire hopes to find peace and be there for her, and yet he could not hold back the hints and notes he left behind to say that she is forgetting him  as he cannot seem to find a place in her life anymore as she is unable to come into his. As hard as he has to admit, as much pain that it will bring him, he knows that he has to let her go, he must let her fly. Fly to find her path, fly to find her route but yet provide the needs to ensure that her flight is uninterrupted, giving her a roof when she is in need of rest and to feed her while she is in need of food.
In her he had found hope, that there would be a better tomorrow, a brighter future and an everlasting love but for now, it will remain just that, HOPE as he knows that she needs to fly and him being there will only tie her down, weighting a heavy burden on her shoulders. He does not want to be crossed with her when she cannot provide the comfort and needs that he is accustomed to from her in the past. He knows the pain will come, yet again it will come and for another winter will come to his soul, freezing his heart and breaking it into a thousand pieces.

In his minds eye, he sees the her future, how she will prosper in her flight, excel in her path she has chosen, it kills him that he will never be able to be by her side, as he knows he cannot. He is not built that way, he is far too selfish to share her with the world and so he decides to let her fly on her own, let the world have her and sacrifice himself in the process, all in the name of love.
Yet till the end of time, you can always find him suddenly lost in his thoughts as a sad painful cloud descends over him and no matter how hard he tries to hide it, the eyes do not lie and it is in his eyes that the pain and sorrow manifest, the pain of losing and missing her, the flying swan that captured his soul and one that he gave his love to. He wonders and prays that one day, she will fly back to him, shower him with love and care as only she can. One can almost hear him whisper daily in his nightly prayers “Fly swan, fly higher and soar, as you make me proud, go with my love and fly with my heart, although i cannot fly by your side, forget not that i shall always be watching from the ground, ever ready to catch you should you tire and weary to fly anymore, until then fly my beautiful swan
End. “

A Psimaster Story- Dedicated to my flying swan

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Salam Eid

Shawal..Yet Again

               Its that time of year again, after a month of fasting then raya comes with the celebration and joy. Maybe im just in foul mood or maybe im just annoyed with everyone but doesn’t Ramadan brings out the most fake in people? I aint saying im a saint or anything but every year without fail, so many people suddenly becomes so religious, preaching so many stuff.
               Someone once told me that Rasul once said that the first and hardest battle a human can have is with himself. Through a very rough 6 months, it seems that I have lost all that was dear to me, or so it seems.
A Girl that stole my heart and soul, one that I truly sacrificed a lot for but in the end she walked away.
A company that was built with endorsements and encouragement of friends that became partners but in the end it was the same two that betrayed and set it up for a burn.
A brotherhood that was founded in 2009 and from a obscure nothing but a cyber cafĂ© to a company that won guniess book awards and brushed shoulders with  powers such as Tun M and others but in the end the same source went hell bent to destroy it merely for the sake of neglect of him.
A friendship that grew from the first event held in Sugai Petani and grew his event to a world wide international recognition but in the end greed stole it and drowned it.
I am not sore neither am I being vindictive, im too old for that, it is just that I am sad that the people that trusted the event and put their money in it to take a million ringgit event got burned by it.
Every coin has a side and for one story there is always another but there is no story or reason for another to plan and hijack another company money on pretense that the company is badly managed and over spending, how would they know when they are not in it and better yet they were being paid by the same company? Why? Greed.. and a self confident that they can do it. Thus, they go paint the town red of how such “saints” they are of stealing the company money as the “right” thing to do because the company owes them? If life was based on this then please let our PM know or Tun know, someone better do the saintly thing and face up on 1MDB then.
The fact that the hijack was done after the event was over, after all the bills were paid and they collected their payments it seems was easily forgotten, using hard tactics and guile, it was done as I said as the “right” thing to do. One would ask if it is the right thing to do then why haven’t they settle and paid people they owe? From sales of previous event to clients trust fund money that went missing for over 6 years now? Maybe they forget of the money spent on their “friends” a free BMW among other things.
There are about a thousand more things that I can share to prove this, from pictures to whatsapp text records to email to many other things but unlike them, I don’t go around smudging peoples name, let time speak and God does his work, I have lost a many things in my life and losing this as much as it hurts me, it wont kill me and what does not kill me only makes me stronger.
Actually, I don’t know why am I writing this but it just feels a bit better I guess, We live in world that is round and whatever goes around always comes around. Maybe I wont be around when that happens but I don’t care. As Ramadan was a month of absitencie, Shawal is a month of forgiving. My father always told me to be kind and forgiving but some things I forgive but never forget and some I forget but never forgive.
For what matters to me are my family, my mom, step dad and kids. My mom stood by me in her sickness through it all as she did when my dad was around. For all they have taken away from me, it is nothing to me, for it all I can re build with God’s grace, as before it was not me that brought the success but rather God’s will but the important thing they can never take away is that of my family. Of what my father taught me and of what I have learned. As all the Lost Boyz did. This raya will be sad as I cant visit my brothers as I have failed them but doa and fatihah can be done anywhere and I do it every night regardless of the month but its just sad I wont be there this year raya but maybe after.
I am thankful for all that god has given me, the good and the bad. The relationship with my family, the mother and uncle to my kids to a new journey and a new chapter. Yes im wounded and hurt but I am Syed Nong son and i wont go down without a fight. 
I am grateful for my Indian brothers that stood by me and together, justice will prevail. 

The only other thing that I lost is my chun buri princess, I had hoped that she would be strong enough to love me but in the end, even she walked away. I will neve know why but all I know that I had prayed for her to stay and god willing, I let her go, for if its true love then she will return to me.
To everyone, I wish a very good Eid tomorrow, Remember for what we strive in this world, in the end it is our actions, niat and intentions that will make us what we are and what we will be remembered by, it is always easy to blame others use others but when we are buried and face Al-mighty then only it counts. For me the battle for my kids future is utmost importance and I despised those that has hurt that and will never forgive for things for their personal gain and ego. Maybe get another shout out video or what ever but when they sleep, as long as they sleep, we know what happen and having worldy gains is maybe worth their efforts.

I am nobody to preach anyone, I just see things thru my eyes. 

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Heck

"When you take another company money when your paid to work for them and decide what do about it, thats stealing. When you go around bad mouthing people, thats backstabbing. What another company does is their own and forget not the company was paying you. Heck.. im sick and im down but its because God wants me to be strong and a form of repent. Lucky i didnt buy a BMW and gave it to a gf,,i did for my gf but hey thats my salary from my company, whats ur excuse? i have covered 12 months but u still want to lecture me? what human are you? So high and mighty? have u forgotten of the million your firm has loss from peoples trust? Have you forgotten all the wayward spending and bad mouthing of your so called new partners now? Heck, its time to wake up, i maybe dead from an indian bullet but least i go see my brothers knowing that i can own up to my folly and stupidity. Can you?" as he sits on his bed thinking of the past that hound him, Are people so blind he thinks but never say..

**To Be Continued**

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Farewell Ramadan 14



Its about 1 am and im home. Just finished with the kids and preparing for bed. The truth is its hard to sleep, been having sleeping issues, well not all the time, just missing something that i need.

A whole month of June gone by and July is leaving us in a few days, we start the last 6 months of the year. Ramadan is also sadly leaving us with the dawn of Shawal coming. In my writing, i think that this would be my forth raya online, things change and yet they stay the same, My life  has evolved to changed, the kids are getting bigger and i do have someone to call my own, well its a start, well wishers and others. The world as it seems to be spinning to wildly on its axis.

The loss of MH370 still haunts the world and in the midst of all that, MH17 gets shot down over Russia. How ironic is that? As we stumble through the grief and sadness, we are shocked by the audacity of the Israeli government of attacking and killing in Gaza, Where are the powers of the world? USA would not blink twice if it was Iran or Iraq, within 24 hours they would be there but since its Israel then all they do is talk. Talk. Talk is cheap, everyone can talk. Take it from me that i have been through it many times, months of meeting people, I was amazed that someone would give up an easy life in the dark world and take a bold step to chase their dream, A dream that is surely filled with hardship but boldy the person faces it and i for one will stand by her side in all the turmoils.

The world needs love, we as humans of the world, We merely sit and sigh and whine, we ask people to join our prayers and yet we do not do anything at all, Someone told me, instead of making police reports, social media blizzard, why don't we all write a petition and send it to world leaders and put that on facebook, that is doing something. LOVE, that is what we need, love sets us free and love makes us bold, strong and daring, Love of our country, Love of Family and Love of our spouse, that was why Afghanistan could not be defeted by Russia or USA, even with old rifles and not technology or even airplanes, They won the war.

As we all celebrate a whole of fasting, lets us not forget the lost of others, Mh370 and MH 17, to me the unknown fate of MH 370 is far sadder than MH 17 but a loss is still a loss, be thankful for your life, the things that is not lost and grateful for what we have, even if the days get dark and stormy, worry not, whine not but be grateful in the knowing fact that the sun will still shine come tomorrow.

Peace folks



Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Batteries Needed

**Delayed Posting-Ws meant for June**
Whoa..almost missed the June month, Well better late than never i always say. Dont be surprised that this is done at 1250 noon and not the usual 3-6am...heck i havent slept at all... no no it wasnt the world cup football... it was more of a storm... anyhow.. here i am.

It almost 2 days till Zaki's birthday and i still wish he was here and there is not a day that goes by that i wish i had him or i was with him. This month has been a month of a roller coster ride, work wise there are many decesions that needs to be done and many things that i have to decide. As i said before this time around, i live my life for me and no one else. a turmoil of emotions and feelings. Yet thru the barricades, we push thru.

Love, such is the mystery of the word, a world of fantasy and magic, Why magic? magic because of what it can do, the magical things that would one would never think of, Flying thousands of miles to see a smile, to cook a special dish, to have a bed full of rose petals, to bring smile and laughter for these are magical moments, Fantasy because of the things you feel you can do and the intimate quiet night staring into each other eyes no need for food or anything . For most, love feeds them, it is the fuel for the soul, it makes us strong, daring and bold. We fight for love, we do things for love. To do deeds or to work hard to accomplish a goal for a loved one the things we do to keep love alive, silently changing ourselves so that we may be able to keep the love one with us. And so, millions of people search for love, millions would abuse it while millions more yearn for it. There are but a few that are scared of it, although they prayed for it and allowed love in their hearts, yet it scares them, unable to take the negative to positive, My dad use to say, you can take a horse to the water but you cant force it to drink. I have fought for what i want all my life, to find that someone that can calm my raging thoughts and shackle the demons within, they have been a few that crossed my path and yet i never expected to find it merely 5 months ago(almost 5) and it was never easy, i had resisted and tried to hold back, in the end i just let it flow and the things about me that would annoy others only made me more lovable to her and all the things about her that she thought would drive me away only made me even closer to her, Yet, it is never enough and sadly the reason was i guess my curse and that as always brought disaster.

How do you fight for someone that does not want to fight? being the fool that i am, i gave in my all and yet its like quick sand and slowly i am sinking. Holding on with all might, yet even the mighty fall and the words of " If you love something then let them go" comes to play. I always worry that she wont come back .

What is life all about? the million dollar question and one that no one have the answers, If it was never meant to be than why did it ever cross your path and no problems arise, except the one we create and make it up on our own.

As i sit here and my heart is bleeding badly, it is amazing how cold a person can be, all for no reason but in their own mind, Where this will lead? all i know i gave it my all and it just wasn't good enough. For those of you out there, be strong, have faith and never give up on love, it is the most magical serum for life. Live your life. Find you path.