I know that father's day has long past but i just came back from my cousin's wedding, so i thought i share it with you all.
In a lot of sense, when we say cousins in my family, it means more than that. Ya normal family has cousins and such forth but the closeness that has been forged between us is far more than normal families. Our cousins are more brother and sisters in many ways, raised as best friends from children, with all the normal teenage mishaps and pranks within the family, therefore its no wonder that weddings and other functions , we would converge. Anyway before I get carried away, this piece is about fathers.
This particular wedding of my cousin, 90% of the family clan came and it dawned on me of the preparation that the parents had to go through to ensure the success of the event. This is of course not to mention, the uncles that came from far and near, arranging their children and what not to ensure a smooth flow of things. The funny part was that the wedding proper was held in a hall, which many of us had never been to, we had to convoy our way down and it was then I realized how closely we were all connected.
What caught me on this day was, many people stopped and ask me if I was Syed Nong's son, when I answered yes, they would tell me that I look like him. This I guess would be the biggest compliment I could get. After all these years, its times like this gatherings that his presence and my brothers would be felt. Looking at the messed up life unfolding before me, I would really cut off my arm to have him, I know for a fact that he manage to touch everyone's life and in his own way made everyone feel special. Being a father is never easy, people always say senang aja. Cari duit and make sure all taken off but it is never that simple, a father is the protector of the family, no matter what you can find a replacement for your father, same as mother also, its sad that children with nature mothers and fathers have to depend on step or surrogate father or mother due to unintelligent decisions made by those that were suppose to look out for them. Anyhow, as the day moved on, I met more of my father's friends and family and more stories of this wonderful man that regretfully my children will never meet but I can tell them stories and pass on to them the values that was passed down to me. The importance of FAMILY, Education and Loyalty. In this day and age, many cases we read of youth as young as PMR being caught wet "tangkap Basah"or youth leaving school in form 3 or throwing of babies or passing their babies to relatives to raise. It is sad and thankfully due to the closeness of our family, we always work things out, no issues of going to beat up on family members with baseball bats as we read in the newspaper. As I recall this, a gentle tugging on my sampin and it was my son, looking up on me. I have a big duty in front me, a great responsibility on my shoulders and of course not forgetting my daughter, who is very far away from me .. something I am trying to resolve .
For those reading, take a moment and go to your dad and mom. HUG THEM! TELL THEM YOU LOVE THEM. There is NO replacement for them and cherish them as they is no tomorrow. Till next time. Happy Hunting..and peace.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Family Ties..
Actually i wanted to write this quite some time ago but i have been busy, ya ya people like me also got work to do.
For those who dont actually know, i come from quite a big family, my dad was the eldest of 11 brothers, therefore you can just imagine the size of my family. Years ago, while my dad was still around, he would always tell me, "no man is an island"and towards his last years, he would instill in me to always stay close to the family. Me being the noob kid was always defiant and stubborn. then one day he was gone.
From that moment on, i realiased that i was totaly alone, mom was shocked and my brothers was far too young to understand, the family being the protective kind, came in to support and look out for us, my grandad was very concern of our well being and we were constantly looked after by him. i couldnt take the toll of pain, joined the airlines and was packed off to Sabah. For 3 years i was in the airlines, till one day i up and quit. Just like that. over the years, my brothers had grown and Zaki came to join me in KL, laters years Izzany came to join us as well. Thus there was the famous 3 stooges living in KL. To list out what happen to us or what we did, would take a long time and lets save it for another day. safe to say, we defied the family on many turns but all the while turning back to them when there was no where else to turn. The famliy never turned their backs on us, even when we did (or so we thought) but the point is what my father said came ringing in my head for the 1st time. Famliy! Family!
My life turned or as i like to put it, changed chapters on my wedding day. That was the second journey. Unfortunely we lost Zaki right after my wedding. I was lost. Zaki, who is my closest brother and ally for all my life is gone. till today i cant get over it, when my first child was born, i named her Zakierra, in honor of the uncle that she never met. During my marriage years, i tried and did my best to be the best husband, then life changed my chapters again. Zakierra was born.
The moment i laid eyes on this tiny miracle, i knew life was never gonna be the same again. I quit partying, drinking and devoted my time to provide her with the best things i could afford to give. Nong Iddraqi folowed and i had my perfect pair. After years of being in KL rat race, i decided to call it a day and return home to Kedah to raise the famliy. My plan was building a stable life for the famliy.The fact that i lost Izzany and never forgave myself for not being there for him during his last days, haunt me daily. I came back, found a stable job and for the first time in my life, everything was going according to plan, things were looking good, that is till life changed chapters on me again.
Not going into details, lets just put it that my partner decided to close the company and took off with one of the assets at the same time. Losing focus and going out of mind, i came back home. Broken, defeated and exhausted. all this while the biggest battle for my children was coming. I had no where to go or turn too. daily i looked at my son and swore to get her sister back. then the family came to my aid. with god's blessing and guidance, things start to open up and even as i write this, my heart is crushed because 5 years just went down the drain and im back at square one, no exactly how i planned to celebrate my 40th birthday but you can only plan, only god can grant, it bring tears to my eyes as the famliy rallied behind me, each in their own way, provided me support and options but something that i am not sure they know, they gave me HOPE. as all things with HOPE, i get a second wind, as i am focusing on my son and bringing back my daughter, they have given me a second lease on life. i learn not to question what god has put in my path but rather to be thankful of what he has given me, good and bad, because you wont know the value of good without the bad. no amount of preaching or nagging cant replace 1st hand experience, now after they have rallied behind me, i too shall rally behind the family, not to look at what in its for me but rather doing things for the sake of the family, without ulterio motives or agenda, yes! folks, invest in the family as they invest in you, you can never go wrong. i write this to those that feel family is a nueasence or that you can live without them, THINK AGAIN! please remember you are nothing without your family. remember and crave it in your heart.
That my dear friends is what famliy is all about, not only there when you need them but always there, it took me a long time to realized it but better late than never, now even tempted by other big offers, i pledge to stay here, make my contributions to the family and let my children understand the important lesson that their grandfather wanted to teach me, NO MAN IS AN ISLAND. Dont wait, look at your family, brothers, sisters, uncle, auties, granddad, mother and father. Cherish them, value them and invest in your family, afterall FAMILY ALWAYS TAKES CARE OF ITS OWN.
till next time, happy hunting and remember, dont look at darkness of storm but rather look for the silver lining in the clouds.
Sherezal
For those who dont actually know, i come from quite a big family, my dad was the eldest of 11 brothers, therefore you can just imagine the size of my family. Years ago, while my dad was still around, he would always tell me, "no man is an island"and towards his last years, he would instill in me to always stay close to the family. Me being the noob kid was always defiant and stubborn. then one day he was gone.
From that moment on, i realiased that i was totaly alone, mom was shocked and my brothers was far too young to understand, the family being the protective kind, came in to support and look out for us, my grandad was very concern of our well being and we were constantly looked after by him. i couldnt take the toll of pain, joined the airlines and was packed off to Sabah. For 3 years i was in the airlines, till one day i up and quit. Just like that. over the years, my brothers had grown and Zaki came to join me in KL, laters years Izzany came to join us as well. Thus there was the famous 3 stooges living in KL. To list out what happen to us or what we did, would take a long time and lets save it for another day. safe to say, we defied the family on many turns but all the while turning back to them when there was no where else to turn. The famliy never turned their backs on us, even when we did (or so we thought) but the point is what my father said came ringing in my head for the 1st time. Famliy! Family!
My life turned or as i like to put it, changed chapters on my wedding day. That was the second journey. Unfortunely we lost Zaki right after my wedding. I was lost. Zaki, who is my closest brother and ally for all my life is gone. till today i cant get over it, when my first child was born, i named her Zakierra, in honor of the uncle that she never met. During my marriage years, i tried and did my best to be the best husband, then life changed my chapters again. Zakierra was born.
The moment i laid eyes on this tiny miracle, i knew life was never gonna be the same again. I quit partying, drinking and devoted my time to provide her with the best things i could afford to give. Nong Iddraqi folowed and i had my perfect pair. After years of being in KL rat race, i decided to call it a day and return home to Kedah to raise the famliy. My plan was building a stable life for the famliy.The fact that i lost Izzany and never forgave myself for not being there for him during his last days, haunt me daily. I came back, found a stable job and for the first time in my life, everything was going according to plan, things were looking good, that is till life changed chapters on me again.
Not going into details, lets just put it that my partner decided to close the company and took off with one of the assets at the same time. Losing focus and going out of mind, i came back home. Broken, defeated and exhausted. all this while the biggest battle for my children was coming. I had no where to go or turn too. daily i looked at my son and swore to get her sister back. then the family came to my aid. with god's blessing and guidance, things start to open up and even as i write this, my heart is crushed because 5 years just went down the drain and im back at square one, no exactly how i planned to celebrate my 40th birthday but you can only plan, only god can grant, it bring tears to my eyes as the famliy rallied behind me, each in their own way, provided me support and options but something that i am not sure they know, they gave me HOPE. as all things with HOPE, i get a second wind, as i am focusing on my son and bringing back my daughter, they have given me a second lease on life. i learn not to question what god has put in my path but rather to be thankful of what he has given me, good and bad, because you wont know the value of good without the bad. no amount of preaching or nagging cant replace 1st hand experience, now after they have rallied behind me, i too shall rally behind the family, not to look at what in its for me but rather doing things for the sake of the family, without ulterio motives or agenda, yes! folks, invest in the family as they invest in you, you can never go wrong. i write this to those that feel family is a nueasence or that you can live without them, THINK AGAIN! please remember you are nothing without your family. remember and crave it in your heart.
That my dear friends is what famliy is all about, not only there when you need them but always there, it took me a long time to realized it but better late than never, now even tempted by other big offers, i pledge to stay here, make my contributions to the family and let my children understand the important lesson that their grandfather wanted to teach me, NO MAN IS AN ISLAND. Dont wait, look at your family, brothers, sisters, uncle, auties, granddad, mother and father. Cherish them, value them and invest in your family, afterall FAMILY ALWAYS TAKES CARE OF ITS OWN.
till next time, happy hunting and remember, dont look at darkness of storm but rather look for the silver lining in the clouds.
Sherezal
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Denial...Is there a cure?
The world premier 2012 is well coming soon, According to the Mayan Calender, the world ends on 12th December 2012, If this happens to be true then WHAT THE HECK! I am Still alive!!.i was hoping that i would be long gone by then..heheheh anyhow, its been a while since we muse and ponder...lets poke at the title shall we...
First lets digest what the word means, according to wikipedia:
From wikipedia:
First lets digest what the word means, according to wikipedia:
Denial is a defense mechanism postulated by Sigmund Freud, in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence. [1] The subject may use:
- simple denial - deny the reality of the unpleasant fact altogether
- minimisation - admit the fact but deny its seriousness, or
- projection - admit both the fact and seriousness but deny responsibility
From wikipedia:
Types of Denial
Denial of fact: In this form of denial, someone avoids a fact by lying. This lying can take the form of an outright falsehood (commission), leaving out certain details to tailor a story (omission), or by falsely agreeing to something (assent, also referred to as "yessing" behavior). Someone who is in denial of fact is typically using lies to avoid facts they think may be painful to themselves or others.
Denial of responsibility: This form of denial involves avoiding personal responsibility by blaming, minimizing or justifying. Blaming is a direct statement shifting culpability and may overlap with denial of fact. Minimizing is an attempt to make the effects or results of an action appear to be less harmful than they may actually be. Justifying is when someone takes a choice and attempts to make that choice look okay due to their perception of what is "right" in a situation. Someone using denial of responsibility is usually attempting to avoid potential harm or pain by shifting attention away from themselves.
Denial of impact: Denial of impact involves a person's avoiding thinking about or understanding the harms his or her behavior has caused to self or others. Doing this enables that person to avoid feeling a sense of guilt and it can prevent him or her from developing remorse or empathy for others. Denial of impact reduces or eliminates a sense of pain or harm from poor decisions.
Denial of awareness: This type of denial is best discussed by looking at the concept of state dependent learning[3]. People using this type of denial will avoid pain and harm by stating they were in a different state of awareness (such as alcohol or drug intoxication or on occasion mental health related). This type of denial often overlaps with denial of responsibility.
Denial of cycle: Many who use this type of denial will say things such as, "it just happened." Denial of cycle is where a person avoids looking at their decisions leading up to an event or does not consider their pattern of decision making and how harmful behavior is repeated. The pain and harm being avoided by this type of denial is more of the effort needed to change the focus from a singular event to looking at preceding events. It can also serve as a way to blame or justify behavior (see above).
Denial of denial: This can be a difficult concept for many people to identify with in themselves, but is a major barrier to changing hurtful behaviors. Denial of denial involves thoughts, actions and behaviors which bolster confidence that nothing needs to be changed in one's personal behavior. This form of denial typically overlaps with all of the other forms of denial, but involves more self-delusion.
Case Study:
Subject X and Y share 2 treasures, after being separated, X & Y decides that the treasures would be shared between them. On the day that X had to take the treasures, one of them fell ill. X gave her consent to just take one treasure while the other recuperates, then later when it was time X to take the treasures again, X could not follow Y's schedule because Y had an important pre-planned evening, therefore X could only take one treasure as she claims that to take the other one also because it was too hard to drive therefore again she gave her consent, BUT on the day X was suppose to return the treasures, she decided to RUN and send an note to say that she is going to run and hide and Y cannot see his treasure unless he agrees to give X the treasure. When reminded about the other treasure, only did X wanted it as well. Y of course got angry and accused X of breaking the agreement and taking the treasure as hostage and kidnap. Even till the end, X insist that Y cannot have the treasure unless he gives in to his demand. As the days drag by, X wanted to come to collect some stuff and informed Y, Y said dont you want to see the other treasure? X said yes of course, but it must be to her sechedule. Y refuse because the treasure is fragile and plans were already made for the day and gave a timeline from 430pm till 8pm BUT X said cannot, she insists on her timeline, in the end the treasure missed out because X could not sacrifice her time for the treasure. In all this drama, X maintains that she is not wrong and although it was her that ended everything and made it worse by running and holding the other treasure hostage, till now her blog shouts her innocence and though Y has made and gave many roads to patch things up, X still is stubborn to hold all to ransom and must follow her way although there are many eveidence of her demands, threats and indecisiveness, X plays an old trump card although X conveninently hides and ignores her own short coming and errors, therefore my readers, can you please point out to which type of DENIAL is X suffering from?
A typical attitude of someone suffering from this (from wikipedia):
DARVO: An acronym to describe common strategy of abusers: Deny the abuse, then Attack the victim for attempting to make them accountable for their offense, thereby Reversing Victim and Offender. Psychologist Jennifer Freyd[4]. writes:
"...I have observed that actual abusers threaten, bully and make a nightmare for anyone who holds them accountable or asks them to change their abusive behavior. This attack, intended to chill and terrify, typically includes intimidation, overt and covert attacks on the whistle-blower's credibility, and so on..... [T]he offender rapidly creates the impression that the whistle-blower is the wronged one, while the victim or concerned observer is depicted as the offender. Figure and ground are completely reversed... The offender is on the offense and the person attempting to hold the offender accountable is put on the defense.
Therefore, please always remember, when you point at someone there are 3 fingers pointing back at you. the road to recovery is to admit our short comings and errors, only then we can work towards curing ourselves. if your partner or friend still has this kind od denial, it would be very hard to talk or reason to them because they seriously believe in thier own made up story and excuses, therefore no matter how hard you try, it would be hard to break through. the only way is to gain professional help or let the matter come to head, as then the professional people can make the decision for the sick person. be strong and stand by them BUT never give in or allow or worse believe the story because then you also will get lost and lose your sense of right and wrong..trust me i have been there.
till then...happy hunting folks.
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