End of Days

Honestly im  too tired to write but this words coming in my head that this little gaming keyboard of mine really cant take load.

Today has been a sort of revelations, Something found and lost, something lost but found and something there but forgotten. As most of us tackle the hard parts of the day, from deciding what to do about a relationship, lost in the workload and other mundane problems but yet i sat through the NASOM meeting today, for those who don't know it stands for NASOM - The National Autism Society of Malaysia. The reason im there is because Iddraqi is diagnose of Autism, What is it..ok in a nutshell (copy paste in progress)


"Autism is known as a complex developmental disability. Experts believe that Autism presents itself during the first three years of a person's life. The condition is the result of a neurological disorder that has an effect on normal brain function, affecting development of the person's communication and social interaction skills.

People with autism have issues with non-verbal communication, a wide range of social interactions, and activities that include an element of play and/or banter." 

So there i was listening to these other parent talking about thier kids and how i have felt small by doing so little for my son. Yes, in terms of parenthood and family, i am there for him and now he is able to show he misses me too, small things like work wise for the good of the society, afterall, i am in doing events and as such have come up with events and fund raising but yet i have done so little. Caught up in the dance of the world i guess, Feeling left out and wanting to belong somewhere that times i see nothing else. Yet, a reminder of the past that reminded me of the things lost and after the meeting i realize that losing something that i had found may be in some ways trivial to the needs of many. i have fought many battles and moved mountains for not only worked by the partners of my life, if merely to show them how i feel and many a times that i have sacrificed for them, the meeting made me realize that if they leave and claim whatever they claim, in time God shows his hand and for somethings has to happen, i told once that i am able to live like this, even the loneliness is company but i have once found something but i didnt fight for it hard enough and now i fight too hard, let it be, for in the end i know what i am capable of and what i can achieve, some forgive but yet never forget and thus was kind enough to have faith while others know was true in thier heart but have not faith to believe in it. 

When i started AKR with my brother, many a times, i was asked " how do i know this event is gonna make it, how do i know the sponsors will pay, how do i know if we can survive tomorrow and many other things . Well the answer is simple, BECAUSE i believe that it will happen, nothing can be done if you cant visualize it happening, and most times, well all the times, its me saying that, i wish someone would say it once in a while but today someone did, and although its not what you think but it is a first step. Everyone needs someone and someone also need everyone but yet we fail to see it. Amazing. 

For me, i vow to now be weary and careful, to focus on the good i can do to many rather than one. My son's school need me and i pray that god will guide me with his wisdom and blessing to ensure the safe ride. For those that will eventually win my heart, know now that it is always a package and you will always come next after Kierra and Iddraqi, and thier needs, notpersonal ones but like Iddraqi NASOM,if the energy and focus i put in there, i am very sure to get there, and i pray that God grants me my wish- which is to have a woman win my heart and crazy enough to join me on this journey, for it will be her i derive my energy, someone that supports and holds you up rather than pull you down. Not to say some have not, they have but yet in human weakness (me) and times scared and unsure, they stray away from me so i pray that one will return, until that day arises, i guess i will just gone dreaming of yesterdays, facing today and embracing tomorrow.

PEACE

P/S: Tonight i present to you: Syed Nong Iddraqi Shahabudin Bin Syed Sherezal

Superman

Truth is i m just to tired to write... although so many things in my head.
The only thing that bothered me most was how people are always selfish to themselves, how family of brothers or sisters are purely concerned over how hey get hurt or wronged but fail to follow what they preach, or even people who gets confused with the thought of being owned rather than feeling like they belong. A tweet came my way which was pretty nice: If you want to be a part of my life than prove to me that your worth it. Guess my brother was right, we have been to soft,to open and always to understanding till that people take advantage of us. Guess i have to stop being human and become a monster, if not just to please everyone else. There are times i forget of how i come to this place and times i forget how hard life was before. Some just take it for granted and although we remind and remind till it becomes a nag, they fail to see the meaning of what we are trying to say. Try to walk in my shoes, in this soul of mine there are many many things that i have stay hidden and kept in me, no one ever saw the real soul, glimpse of it possibly but not all of it, so far no one is worthy enough, and even i do come across people who are, they would disappoint by being selfish and merely concern with their problems and issues. I wonder, if i were to go and join my brothers, what would they say but more importantly what would they think? How do explain that the world may end tomorrow or that within 24 hours you might die? or if the last time you spoke or saw each other maybe your last? The last words i spoke to my brother zaki was "Bro, Abg sampai Ipoh dah, lupa nak bankin duit tadi, esok pagi abg buat ok?"- his answered-"No hal, safe journey bro and have a good honeymoon, Zaki jaga umah and your car tinggai diumah,i will go and get it later." then sadly he died the next day. I never told him how much i cared and love him, Izzny followed suit about 2 years after and well, that is just to emotional to write about now. So whenever i sing "One Sweet day" its for them and i choke on tears inside. Is it wrong to appriecate what we have? to value what god gives us? Would pride and ego console us when we realize that its too late? Life on earth is just about that and our goal (Wheater we admit it or not) is to find a place where we belong, loved as we are and allowing us to love in return, parents, sons, daughters, lovers, gf/BF, BFF, brothers and sister and all the un mentioned. Is that not what we seek? what for having the ultimate power or money in the world if we are lonely? what is the point of being the most beautiful or handsome but yet we are lonely, we learn from Micheal Jackson, a true genius but yet he was alone and he died alone, and now every one talks about what if and if only, well for some of us there is no need to because the present is here and the future is what we shape today.

Kindness to others and thoughtful is a strong emotion and if we are sincere than we wont have to force or fake it now would we? i feel that i may have been wrong in many of past, i gave too much and too soon and it is i that hope and fight far too much. Is it an age factor? maybe, for an old school person like me thrives on honesty, loyalty and responsibility.I always wonder why is it that people are so focused on the bad that we do and not the good? some even complain when we try to advise or even guide them, to avoid the pitfalls and mistakes that we have so painful experienced, some think they are far superior that our advise just do not count. Some walk away only to realize that it was a mistake.
Is it wrong to have someone to care and fuss over you? maybe a few sacrifices along the way, is it so bad? or shall we continue the merry dance of finding the so called "jodoh" No one is perfect and i am far far from perfect but writing helps me think and is a good stress outlet and although no ones reads this junk i write but it helps. A " how are you?" a "have you eaten?" or "Hey, i just called to say i miss you" or a simple "Was thinking of you today, wish you were here" does tremendous boost to us, when i play tournament paintball, i often see spouses and couples coming to support their bf or husbands, I have missed many things and i have fought many battles and wars with scars to prove them but i find it hard to let go, even those that has walked away, if they ever return, i would be the first to open my arms and embrace them, (such a mushy person i am) but as my father always said " You can take a horse to the water but you can never force the horse to drink it" they walk and times deep in the night, i know they wised they had not , this the fear that binds me and also makes me annoying hahaha but last paintball match for the first time i felt this support and the effect is staggering, i myself experienced it on the last tournament
sometimes we have to ask ourselves, if we find a diamond and it does not glow as we want it, do we throw it out and find a new one or do we keep it and shape it to glow?  I would polish it to the best i can, keep the plant growing i say for in any thing and everything, we work hard to keep it going and make it work, brother, sisters, lovers, family and children, keep the music playing
or maybe i just think too god damn much. Anyhow, i leave you with the things that has always motivated me, kept me alive and gives me a reason to wake up every single day.
PEACE.
(My Theme song)

I'm more than a bird, I'm more than a plane
I'm more than some pretty face beside a train
And it's not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see

It may sound absurd, but don't be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed, but won't you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me

Up, up and away, away from me
It's all right, you can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy, or anything

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
Inside of me
Inside me
Yeah, inside me
Inside of me

I'm only a man
In a funny red sheet
I'm only a man
Looking for a dream

I'm only a man
In a funny red sheet
And it's not easy

Its not easy to be me


Those i hold dear to me:

The reason i stay awake

Those i miss the most

My on going life battery

My allies 

The fighting family

The breath

The brothers

My brother

The iphone..ehh nope..

The knights

The force