The Day Before Raya

The Shawal post will be tomorrow but just wanted to pen down before the last fasting is over.

Kierra&Iddraqi

The day starts as usual with the kids and everyone busy getting ready for Raya but as the kids preparations are ready and most of the house is ready, i could not stay home so i went out for a drive. The house TV kinda went kaput and tryong to find a remote control, took me to 8 shops and in the end i ended up buiyng a TV. Then it was the trip to visit my brothers.


Its been a while since i visited them, The cherry tree has grown so big and the leaves covers them now, sitting down to clean the sites, brings tears to my eyes, i can never truly accept the fact that they are gone and im still here. Seems like a cruel joke, being the eldest, why would i still be here. I remember the chat we use to have, them getting married.. having kids..and now with my being divorced, its just me and mom left to raise the kids.

During these past months, i have seen people walk away from things thay love and some shying away from those that would love them. Either be lovers or family but when we say we accept you, or love  you or care for you (lover or family) doesnt that mean all the way? if among brothers argue till punching blows or pushing people in public or worse case scenarios, we do not kick them off our life? Like as easy kicking people out of FB or BB? in whatever matters, we cannot actually give up do we? that is the essence of love, the meaning of care. If your sister or brother hurt you, dont tell me we can simply kick them out? (yah yah i know some really do) but maybe a factor of age that they do not see it, because the is a reason for the act of forgiveness and acceptance. (heck it is that time of year isnt it) seems that its sad people just cant see it, rather give in to emotions and ego, take it from me in all my years, My Ex has had some really nasty wars but she is now a best friend and the kids benefits from it, yah we could have prolong the war and make it worse but why would we want to do that? now she has her life and moves along while keeping in touch. So the next time you want to kick someone out or cut off communication, think again, remember that God is watching and ask yourself, are you that proud and arrogant to stop friendship or family?

Then there are some that are so scared of a new journey that they hide behind a shell, If you keep reminding them of the importunity in front of them then they will say your pushing them and pestering them. Yes they have been hurt and pain is a part of life, how we forgive, forget and learn from it makes life worth living, for  its better to love and lost than not love at all (moulin rogue) Why must here be pain? pain reminds us that we are alive and it is our life teacher, it is what makes us better, builds the character and flavors our soul so learn from it, take a chance, jump with your eyes close, whatever that does not kill you only makes you stronger.

I am writing this today is because i visited my brothers and as usual, a thousand and a million memories flood through me, how i wish i could have said and done things to show them how much they matter to me, how much i loved them. And though people do prayers tonight and visit graves on Raya morning, i am proud to know that they and my dad, my grandfather, my uncles, pakcik Sardi and those friends that have return to Al-Mighty is always in my nightly prayers and i do not need to have kenduri to show people as long as i know and they know. So many times, i long for my brothers and father, And that is why i write this, in hopes that it would stir something in you, YES YOU!. because life is just too short and surely unexpected so live life to the fullest, keep those that you love close and accept the feelings that you have to those you love or like, build something, create an oppurtunity for ego, pride and fear benefits NO ONE.
So as you get ready for Raya tomorrow with those that are closest to you, dont forget those that you have hurt, those that are waiting for you, those that want you but more importanly those that need you. Think of them, for one day as time and age catch up, you would be sitting with tears in your eyes asking the two words "WHAT IF"
Peace and selamat Hari Raya folks.

The week before raya

Well here i am at the curve for an appointment. Yeah work never stops right? I have to thAnk Adam

For letting me the ipad for the review. So now i can say i have joined the world of.ipad users...muhahahah

Any as i sit here,i cant help but look at the activity passing by,everyone so buzy with raya preparations... Me? Shesssh blum start lagi hahah My mom asked me to pass something to family members and someone special as she thought i was still going out with her but she doest noe the truth...(my mom la not the girl hahaha) so after calls&sms sadly she(the girl&not my mom) refused to meetup and now thru her blog,i see she balik kampung alrdy. It saddens me as it looks im such a monster.. takan nak jumpa bagi barang pun susah...and tu pun amanah&pesan my mom...sigh.. but everyone has their reasons do best not to question it but sad nevertheless...

As work piles up,there a small light that shown my way but as usual,its just a small light.. i cant open up..maybe dhe dont try or i cant open up due to old wounds. Least others are starting new journey... Well as my dad said..u can only take them to the water,to drink or not is still up to them.... I guess better i stay close so wont get burned.

As we prepare for raya,wca&1nps looms around the corner,and i pray it will all work out. So happy raya shopping&if an old enemy or friend that u hate makes contact dont la be so cold... Bukan ka Ramadan&Shawal are a time to be forgiving?

Peace

500 days of summer

It’s the 24^th Aug and we coming to the last stretch of the Ramadan period. Many changes and many more to come. We as humans are prone to adapt and change. Its times like this that memories play in my mind. The memory of my brothers, dad and past history takes its toll on this tired mind.

Briefing With Tun

As we progress towards the year, I have been witness to many wonderful and yet sad tragedies, For at times, I looked as if we could step back and view the whole matter on the whole then life would be so much easier to understand. As it is, life is hard to understand.

Why are there that deny love and relationship? Citing on fate and destiny to deny the fact that as such things do exits, we human still have to look and work at it. Is being hurt so bad pushes us to forget those we love? Those we once called soul mates? What crime can we equate the departure? While yet as humans try to deny it, we need love, we need to know that someone, somewhere understands us, accepts us and supports us. In hour of need to be the shoulder to cry on, in hours of joy to be the person to celebrate it with, thus lies the dilemma of love. Where each are often wondering if are they being used, is the other party being sincere? The questions that even Einstein would defer answering.

For me, the pain of falling down is but apart of growing up, We get hurt and times we hurt people, we are suppose to learn from mistakes and ensure they do not happen again. Letting go of our past love is never easy, the memories and things shared can never be repeated with the new person. It could be better, it could be worse but surely it would be different. And to me that is what matters most,  the journey is what makes the destination worth while, Why? Because the memories that are build along the way, the fights, the make ups and the things shared are what makes the relationship strong. Unfortunenly not everyone has the courage to start anew, past pain makes us close up and comparing our past love to a new one will surely doomed the relationship.

Recently a new light shines on me, something new, a new journey and yet as hard as it is to convince but yet it starts, her blog put the right question and yet, the light glows ever so quietly burns and possibilities start to open itself up. Its harder but as stated it is the journey that holds the key. Understanding and adapting is what new possibilities for both, along the way if even Beauty can fall in love with the Beast, surely love will find a way. All in all it’s the heart that shows the way, taking time out for each other, sacrifices in time, money or effort more often than not breeds the care and grows the love. As the journey progress, memories of the past will make itself is a pain but it’s the joy of new experiences that binds and commits’ us to the journey.  

Watching the movie 500 days of summer, reminds me of me…(hahahaha) ya the guy is hopeless romantic, always doubting and thinking too much, on fate and destiny but yet in the end, his love with summer ended in 500 days and she got married to someone else… TRAGDEY? Nope as the morale of the story is that one cannot give up hope and one must keep trying, hiding behind the shades of being single and independent will not take us far, for it is only an excuse to find others as life is never complete unless it is shared. So its is hardest to let go of our past and embrace a new tomorrow, we know that even the new journey will have its share of sad times with the promise of joy but my dad always says “2 days of rain is nothing compared to 5 days of sunshine and the rainbow after the rain” so hang in there folks, be brave, be daring, be truthful but yet most importantly believe, as only if we allow ourselves to believe would then we are able to see the future that lies in front of us. Love knows no bounds and it is blind, for ugliness of others maybe the beauty for some, no point if we are as beautiful as angels if we are blind and cruel as demons, find the wonders of others, see their sacrifices, look at their potential and the most important part is that he or she makes us happy and able to accept us for who we are. The best line of the movie was when at the end, this guy told the story of his dream girl… here is how it goes..

“My dream girl must be a babe, hot in bed and allows me to do anything I want, she should be into sports and never nags, unlike my gf megan but in all truth, I prefer my gf megan as she accepts me for me and the most important is that she is real, not some dream.”

Reading this between the lines, tells us many things, yah we want those in our dreams but yet we fail to see the other part of us  so we forget, its not what you want that matters but rather its what you need. And with that.. take care folks, keep the fires burning and love growing, throw a small prayer for this soul and may I find the path that is blessed by Him.

PEACE

How it all started..Sultan's Cup 2010

The week that was..full of ups and downs and twist and turns. Life is short so make the best of it i always say. In terms of work things worked out as well as it could be, everyone now on hyper mode as WCA and 1NPS is around the corner. We had meetings after meetings on the matter and much was resolved. New people joined the team and work goes on smoothly. Well as it should.

In terms of the heart and soul, its been a turmoil of a time for many, as the watcher, i often wonder on why people just fail to see the simplest of fact? there are some contented to be single but yet fiddles with other's intentions. Do we need a tragedy to only realized the vaule of things? In a surprising move, a call out the blue kinda took me by surprise and as such got me in a loop, well that is why call life.

In many things, it always evlove, my kids are doing ok, work progress and family is doing fine, heck the LBZ is also growing but still in the deep of the night, thoughts still torment me, questions on should i bother or not or just close up for good? dont really know. Someone asked me what is the candle and the torchlight? (it was on BB status)

The Candle

You burn the candle to light your way in the dark, the candle does not have a focus but rather lights all around you therefore you use the candle in its limited time, after some time the candle will burn itself out and you are left to either find your way in the dark, find another candle or manage.

BUT to the candle, it does not benefit it much, for a short period of time, it burns itself, the pain and only for short time it stays and light the way, nothing permenante and as such the candle lies and dies in pain.

The Torchlight

You use it to light your path, the the torchlight is more focused and can be used to light anyway that you want. Unlike the candle, the torchlight runs on battery therefore it can be used indefintely as if the battery runs out, you can always charge it so that you can use it again and again.

BUT the torchligh gets to share things with us, it follows us throughout our journey and shines our path. You know that we can depend on the torchlight and it will serve us well. The torchlight benefits as its not in pain and always recharged.

So as we go into life, remember the candles and torchlight around us, those that has helped us and supported us, for if they are candles then shouldnt we changed them to torchlight, after all it is the 2011 alrdy.

PEACE

Strolling

Back home in Alor Setar, Glad to be back. Work is hectic but getting there, apart from some walls here and there. Trying to figure things out but as usual the stuff> we met up with Tun Mahatir to brief him and got his support for WCA which made things slightly easier but losing one of the "Dewa" is really effecting the movement but as usual we prevail.

Actually, i was reading a blog of someone and what she wrote kinda spured me to write, although i wont comment on hers but her writing kinda got me thinking. It seems, we are talking about "Jodoh" and fate, it is true that this are all arranged by God but yet, i sometimes wonder as in the old days, like my grandmother and grandfather had arranged marraige but they lasted till the end of thier lives so begins the question, is its "Jodoh" than we are they so many divorce cases, so many side affairs and what not? the reason i think is that in everything else in life, in what ever god gives us mortals, we are meant to fight for it, always striving to be a better human. As we are born in this world, we are born screaming because we need to open our lungs to take in the air to breathe, so from the moment we enter the world, are made to fight and we must always fight for we want, what we need and what we believe. i wrote once about the stages of love and i firmly stand by it. Just because u love someone dont mean its Jodoh, but rather its our effor that seals the relationship for as stated, God help those who help themselves. Reading the blog, i am glad that she has found someone and she is making effort to rebuild the bridge with the "right person" and though being labeled as the "Wrong person", i take comfort due to the fact that, in what ever small way or any small part i did make an impact or a minor change that made her find the "right person" i guess that is why i consider me as the candle mode. Burning for others.

After my 39th bday, i consider that and accepted the fact my life is destined to be without love of another woman(or man hahahaha) but rather to take on the love of my children as it is to them that i dedicate my self too. Although to be really honest that i had prayed and tried to fill the lonely space in my soul and opened up my heart but seems i get burned most times and after this last time, i think enough is just enough, i wont lie, of course there are other love that has come my way, put there by God with his blessings to open possibilities but in all fairness, as i may be close to them and care for them, an ear and shoulder to them, i am closed up inside as the pain still burns within me, it would take an effort to open my heart and sometimes i pray that they can do it and make me feel loved and cared again but more often than not, i just let it slide and just burn for them as a candle burn.

In my past mariage and past relationship, and in fact in all my life, i was the path finder, the candle and the psimaster, always cheering on, always giving hope to others, always trying to convince them to never give up, never lose each other and always finding the reasons to make them see that the love is worth the effort but now after the last blow up and the wall of silence that greeted me, i can say that i am tired and broken, i have lost the hope and effort, and though in my life now there is a dynamic woman that i can see the potential or future but i find it hard to open up, hard to take the next step, rather i stay a step back and holding on, which will probally lead to her finding someone else and me alone but after giving it all i had in the past, i have nothing anymore to hope for fear grips me and i am too scared to take the step so i stay safe. For once, let the other party make the move, let them show how we are worth it or that i am a treasure, for once .. just once.

Words are merely words and for the blogger that i read, her words are hopefully followed with action and i pray the lucky guy apprieciates her, her change, her softness and i truly pray that they will work things out and lst till the end of time. For yours truly, i pray that God open up my heart and someone would truly take a chance on me as i would take a chance on them. Silly hopes or dreams but one have to dream to make it into a reality as we Lost Boyz always says " Any Dream Worth having is A Dream Worth Fighting For"

Is tonight's blog dont make sense or sounds like a whine, then i humbly apologize, no wisdom words tonight, just me in a bit of self pity mode, HEY! give me break, i am human also ok. till then, keep fasting, keep fighting and always try to be perfect, even if we know we can never be.

Peace

P/S: This pharse of a lyric been playing in my head for 5 days, although i told someone that i would nver listen to this singer but heck, just goes to prove, never say never.. kan kan kan so enjoy.

"

Ku takkan bisa menjadi

Lebih dari apa yang sedaya

Namun ku tetap berjanji

Akan masih mencoba

Untuk memujuk hatimu

Mencintai aku kerna semua yang ada

Hanyalah untukmu

Maafkan aku

Sekiranya tak termampu

Untuk mencurahkan semua

Isi hatiku"

-Hazama "Cinta Teragung"

Ramadan

Ramadan comes again.. Muslims around the world prepares for the fasting month, ramadan has special meaning for everyone in thier own individual way. What is fasting month? In my younger days, i remember a lively debate in australia about fasting, as i was told by my late grandmother, fasting month is about controling our desires.. Not only eating or drinking but being humane, humble and kind. We are encouraged to embrace each other weakness and ypromote the goodness of others.



For me ramadan is a special time as in the past, it was always that the lost boyz would gather at my house for the 1st day of fasting, Zaki and izzany would buy or in Zaki's case cook to bring it over to share. Ramadan would see us trying to support each other in keeping our fast intact. How i miss those days with them. I could tell so many stories..



Now days as a single father, my day starts as usua almost pike tradition, Kierra and me goes on our usual food buying which most often than not ends up buying like we have a family of 10. Adik is still too young to start joining us so as last year, this year father&daughter heads to jalan stadium to buy food. Isnt it wonderful.. Times of this that memories of those gone would haunt me, and i doubleup my doa and zikir as at least this month i do double for its only a month... Then i think of those that has walked away from my life, once called friend or lover, i would foolishly try and make contact just to see how they are doing but when rebuff by not answering or picking up, the pain kinda rebleeds, well only myaelf to blame there but i often wonder, how arrogant and proud they are thinking that they will leave forever and so above the rest of mortals in this world, that they forget of god'grace and how that we are only here by his will, i feel afraid because they could never value what they have. But i worry too much, my dad always said u can take a horse to water but u cant force it to drink. If to them they are happy and contented in being that way, god speed and god bless, only god knows right?


Returning to the present, we are home and my mom is again laughing about the wastage of food that kierra&i bought hahahah.. I slowly whisper a prayer that my mom will be with me forever, with me being single without a future wife in sight, i worry the day she goes away and i have to face this world truly alone, just with my kids ... I pray by then life would have given me support and someone to care for all 3 of us but even if its just us, we will still prevail and survive.



In all, life is about accepting and qppriciting what god has given us, good or bad. Human error for we are only humans, its the hipocrit and liar that i cant stand but god is great.. And ramadan is that special time to remind us all. To forgive to be a better person than the next for it all truth, we are but all the servant of God. Have a great buka puasa folks.
Peace


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Location:Jalan Purnama,Alor Setar,Malaysia