Wednesday, April 20, 2016


They say silent is the loudest fo screams, I have been keeping silent for a while now, almost coming to 2 years. Watched the movie redha yesterday and it realy gotme thinking of my life and what I have done with it in the last 45 years. Sad ly the answer is nothing. Yes others say I have made a difreence either good or bad but the truth of the matter is that the best thing I have done is having raised two beautiful children, Kierra and Iddraqi.
Iddraqi is autistic and it took me a good while to accept it, he diagnosed with it after we brought him to KL for test. This was with the insistence of my uncle and after a long while I did it and he was confirmed an autistic child. It is hard to put in writing of the feeling I had when I found out of it. Life is such I guess, lost my dad at 19, my brother at 34 and another at 36 and went through divorce at 40, now finding out about iddraqi at 41. Yes it takes it toll on me but the journey is not mine for rather its iddraqi that made me see. Its hard to accept that I will take care of him all my life and from there on I swore that I would do my best
In the year 2010, we decieced to host the WCA 2011 in Langkawi and that I was involved until I was outsted and hijacked in 2014. That is another story of its own so we shall not go there (yet)
Iddraqi started out as heavy symptoms of austism and we were all worried but I sent him to Nasom Alor setar and thankgod, he started to grow out of it and improved. I started doing better financially and managed to take speech therepy for him, it cost a bomb and he had to come down to KL every weekend to go for it but again, he picked up so fast and showed much improvments.
The year 2015 came with dark tidings, the company and event I was handling was robbed and hijacked by my own family and so called “lost boyz” brothers . The event was done, salary and wages paid for a whole year and bills paid but they took the balance money and left all the debts behind. It was the first time my family and I was held as hostage by our investors but through god grace we survived. Many an nights (until now) I still wake and think of it and the anger, rage and vengeance would come alive but I held it back. It was not their fault entirely, I was too trusting and lost in a relationship, it never cross my mind that they would double cross me, after all that we have done and shared but humans do have limited memory and selective insomnia, lucky Izzany and Zaki was not around any more for if not vengeance would be served 10 folds but mom said let god handle that and I should focus my energies on matters at hand.
Needless to say, due to this tragedy and the effort they put in black listing me, it was hard for me to find income and after a year of surviving, I walked myself to more trouble of funding, keeping paying bills with borrowed money. Mom bailed me out with a loan but still,I wonder of life and of the word family. As far I remembered that family means family. Never let go never ignore, although when I was hostaged by my investors , my “family” still walked away with my money and let me hang, not me actually but my mom, step dad, Kierra and Iddraqi. Wierdier is the fact of how they and everyone preches about god, Sunnah, charity and yet they allow things to happen. Its not the first time it happen to me though, long time ago it happen when my brothers were with me and same thing happened. They said we could never go back to Langkawi or travel abroad, “change abang change” the thing that I always wanted to say is no me change is you change. If you want someone to change then support and trust and most important guide but nope it is easier to listen to words of someone that can rovide or give you material gains then face the truth and listen to both sides. I aint no prophet or even close but I know my values and I know right and wrong. Many have crossed and fell to the dark side where no family would accept but to my doors and home they would come and once they have redeemed than they would return. Not me, for afterall I have seen it is not the money but rather the support, yeah if u ask someone for help it is usually money but when you help and support in other ways, keeping them out of trouble, opening doors or mort importantly coming out with ideas and plans with contacts to realize a goal, that is priceless. That is why having money without ideas does not guarantee wealth but with ideas wealth is assured, look at bill gates or face book or the late steven jobs, they were not born with money, they partnered with those who had money and together they reach success. I have benn unfortunate that those I partnered with are only limited to their own egos. Again, I aint a prophet but merely a human, I know my weakness and short comings but who would ever thought of hosting a 2000 people event that needs bunkers, astro turf in a hall? The fact that we ended up with assets worth over rm300k and the main share holder simply gave it away and he claims it was me that lost the money, maybe some people don’t understand word partnership. Glamor they want, work don’t want, I guess it is humorous and will keep me laughing about it in the future, after 1 year the whole event failed and the partnership of which I was ousted broke up, in the future we will see how this will develop.
Argh him regressing here, its about iddraqi, well, needless to say after the tragedy of 2015, 2015 and 2016 was a building time, finance was really tight and sacrifices had to be made but the hardest to suffer was Kierra and Iddraqi, especially Iddraqi, no more speech therpy no more treats and classes but normal nasom. Even now,I am hard at work to regenerate what I lost and I truly hope that god will re open my rezeki.

The movie deals with issues that I had wanted to hide as I did not want anyone to see. Even Zaki and izzany passing I haven’t truly faced it, I am merely pretending that they are around and force them out of mind the fact that they are gone. Iddraqi is still no talking but his gestures and actions tells me what he wants and he understand our words to him. I swore that I insaf of the last actions when I was too trusting and stupid about women, no one deserves my love no I have any to give because I now know that my love, heart and soul belongs to my children and in them I find true happiness. So let those that are wrong stay as they are and we will be at judgement day, I am what they say about me and let them say what they want, im done justifying my actions and being “abang” and being understanding. My kids come first and last nothing in between and god have mercy on those that cross my path again. *